Letters From Home

Years ago, I hung out online with a very creative group of people in CompuServe’s Science Fiction Forum. One of the things we loved doing was writing song parodies. I found that was something I enjoyed a lot and I think I was pretty good at it.

While I haven’t done it as much recently as in the past, it’s still something I enjoy. My most recent full-length parody was in honor of the show “Dirty Jobs.” I’m going to post a few of my efforts from years gone by, over the next few days. It’s taking me a while to dig up the archives, and some of the songs apparently either never got saved, or got saved somewehere I can’t find. Oh, to have Lotus Magellan back again!

But I’ll do my best. Hope my readers get at least a chuckle out of these.

The Unofficial Dirty Jobs Song

(to the tune of “I Will Survive”)

At first I was so clean, I was sanitized,
As dinner plates my floors were oh so very highly prized.
But then I spent so many nights watchin’ Mike Rowe on TV
I changed my mind, and I thought dirt’s the way to be.
But he’s not here, not at my door,
He’s chasing catfish round the pond and grabbing gators off the floor.
I should have cleaned up all that poo, I should have kissed that owl goodbye.
If Discovery’s not here soon the smell will make me puke and die.
Help me please, can’t find the door
Got piles of filthy turkey feathers sliding slowly to the floor.
Where can I go to learn to feel a cow’s behind?
It looked so easy, I’m sure the cow wouldn’t mind.
Oh someone please, please call DC,
I’d post a message on the board if I could only see.
I’ve got such a filthy place, don’t need egg upon my face,
Please call DC, please call DC, hey hey!

I bought all the Mr. Clean at the corner store,
I went through every single Swiffer and sent out for more.
And I used oh so many sponges cleaning up that pile of poo,
It made me heave, and now my landlord said to leave.
And here I am, out on the street,
I’m not that dirt-encrusted fan who thought that filth was neat.
And so my cell phone gave a ring and it was someone from DC,
Who said that Mike the Dirty Jobs guy would be coming after me.
Help me please, I’m on the floor.
There’s not a cow flop on my back bumper any more.
Where can I go to get my Dirty Jobs degree
Who do I thank, for pointing Mike Rowe to me?
Oh someone please, please call DC,
I’d post a message on the board if I could only see.
I had such a filthy place, now I’ve got egg upon my face,
Please call DC, please call DC…….

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A lot of people have put up YouTube videos with their suggestions of actors to play the characters in Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander books, should they ever be made into a miniseries or movie. (I think the one that included Robert Sean Leonard as Frank and Black Jack Fraser was rather inspired.) I’ve never really thought about finding actors to represent my mental pictures of book characters. But if I were to get started, I’d go for a real true dream cast, for one of my other favorite book series.

Nero Wolfe

Archie Goodwin

Saul Panzer

Fred Durkin

Orrie Cather

Fritz Brenner

Inspector Cramer (on the right)

Purley Stebbins

and….

Lily Rowan

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So, I’m still fiddling around with Vista.

It is nowhere near as annoying as I feared it would be, but it’s just another iteration of Microsoft’s “You are too stupid to figure anything out for yourself” mind-set, and therefore falls all over itself trying to protect the user from ever having to oh, actually think.

I’ve shut off as many of those annoyances as I can, but I still haven’t been able to create new user accounts that work. I ran into a problem with Office 2000 (not enough memory, my ass) but found a workaround. Adobe 8 didn’t want to install itself right away, but Vista sent it out for updates and then it worked fine.

I have had no problems with installing anything so far, either from my own disks or downloaded. Of course, I haven’t had time to put it to any really extensive tests.

I can’t see any reason why anyone would want to run right out and buy this, but then again I never figured out why so many suck uh, people wanted to stand in line for Windows 95, either.

photo credit: ₣ңєя ™

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I have had many, many opportunities to be rude to bill collectors over the years.  Way too many, in my estimation.

And not once has a bill collector been calling for me (this household has never attracted the attention of bill collectors and as long as I have anything to say about it, it never will).  It’s either one of my relatives or else it’s a wrong number.

One of our phone lines is listed under a name that does not actually belong to anyone in the household (perfectly legal to do this, btw).  It’s an initial and a last name with no address.  Funny how many people with that first initial and last name are deadbeats, and funny how the collection agencies go trolling through the phone book and insist the deadbeat gave them the number.  Yeah, and if I believe that they’ve got a great line of credit they can sell me.

I just dealt with another one of those dirtbags and told her quite firmly that this number did not belong to anyone on her list and the calls had better stop, pronto.  But when I asked her how she got the number to begin with she said “Thank you” and hung up on me.  I think the debt collection act prohibits that kind of behavior.  I need to look it up.

I certainly don’t mind being rude to a bill collector from time to time.  I just wish I had fewer opportunities to do so.

photo credit: jdawgd40

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I just got home from traveling to my mom’s memorial service.

My brothers and I spent quite a bit of time figuring out what we would do, and despite the long-distance arrangements (two of us are in California and two are in Indiana) we managed to pull it together perfectly.

I always used to joke that my mom would show up late for her own funeral. This wasn’t a funeral, per se, because she donated her body for medical research, but the real joke is that my daughter, her girlfriend and I got caught up in the Great American Airlines Flight Cancellation Debacle and it was we who were almost late to the funeral. Mom would have gotten a huge laugh out of that.

People from all over showed up to say goodbye, including my brother’s first wife and my dad’s second wife’s sister. Some people who knew Mom from the Springbank Retreat Center drove many miles to sing at the service. The four of us all picked “Try to Remember” from the soundtrack of “The Fantasticks” as the song that would best represent Mom, but I knew that she also wanted Leon Bibb’s “Lost in the Stars” played, so I transferred that from an old record to digital format and my younger brother cleaned up the few odd crackles in it. And we all sang along with Judy Collins’ “Amazing Grace” at the end (fortunately, I could sing it an octave lower than she did).

All in all, I think it was the kind of send-off Mom would have approved of.

She died a month ago today and I still don’t really have it in my head that she’s gone.

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You know what? I’m pissed.

On February 22, I had the winning bid on a 5th gen iPod that was described as “cosmetically in mint condition.” The seller wanted an exorbitant amount for shipping, but I lowered my bid to take that into account and I won.

When the iPod arrived, it was anything but mint. It had obviously been opened, and not gently, had Best Buy stickers on theback, and was scratched and worn. And the worst part? The high-priced shipping amounted to dropping it loose into a thinly padded mailer and leaving it to the tender mercies of the post office.

Needless to say, the iPod that had been partially functional when it was put up for sale, was totally dead when it arrived.

I emailed the seller immediately. Told him I wanted my money back. Told him I wanted to return the iPod. No answer. I waited a week for him to reply and then I filed a complaint with eBay and PayPal. And then I waited some more. It was nearly two weeks later when PayPal told me they’d decided in my favor and gave me my money back.

In all that time, I heard nothing from the seller. I waited another week, and then I put the iPod up for sale, with an honest description and honest shipping charges.

Yesterday, the seller emailed me and asked when he was going to get his iPod back. I told him that he had waited too long ot ask that question and I considered the iPod to be mine.

Today, he said he’d given me my money back and he wanted the iPod back. I repeated that he’d had plenty of time to speak up before now and he hadn’t, and asked him why he wanted a dead iPod back if not to put it up for sale again with another bogus description?

I guess now I wait to see what happens next.

photo credit: nirbhao

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Yeah, I know.  I haven’t written doodly-squat for weeks.  I’ve been trying to figure out travel arrangements to my mom’s
memorial, going to class, doing the usual rounds of errands…  you know, the same old litany of really good excuses. 

I’ve got a couple posts that I’m working on but they’re not ready for prime time yet.  So in the meantime, you can find a tangible link to one small accomplishment this week–a link to my items up for bids on eBay.  Woo hoo!  Click on the eBay link to your left and see what’s come out of infmom’s collection this time around.

photo credit: abernmf

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