Letters From Home

I haven’t written a political song parody in a long time. Probably because today’s politicians are parodies themselves,  right from the get-go.  This afternoon I was organizing my archives and came across these two from the 1992 election.  I know there’s one about Clinton somewhere too, to the tune of “Bye Bye Blackbird,” but I haven’t located that one yet. I’ll save it for a future post.

Perot-noia (to the tune of “Yellow Rose of Texas”)

There’s a little guy from Texas
Who’s talking on TV;
An oversized chihuhahua
Is what he seems to be.
He said he drew those pictures
And numbers on the chart,
So good ole boys and rednecks
Will think Perot looks smart.

He produced this infomercial
That we have come to see;
He’s got five billion dollars
So he’s just like you and me.
Watch him flourish with the pointer;
He hopes with all his heart
That the guys who build the rockets
Will think Ross Perot looks smart.

He’s bought all these half-an-hours
Of time on NBC,
So we can’t watch Fred and Wilma,
Who’s the Boss or Mr. T.
So we’ve found this revelation
And we’ve taken it to heart:
We know compared to Gilligan
Ole Ross Perot looks smart.

An Ash-Can Farewell (starring GHW Bush, to the tune of “Hello, Dolly”)

Goodbye, Georgie, yes goodbye, Georgie,
It’s such fun to see you bumble on TV.
You look like hell, Georgie,
We can tell, Georgie,
That back home in Kennebunkport’s where you’re gonna be.
We see the swell growing
For your out-going;
Pack your bags and pick up Millie at the door,
OH! Golly gee, Georgie,
Put on your sneaks and flee, Georgie,
You can’t get elected any more!

So say goodbye, Georgie, yes goodbye, Georgie!
Are you sorry now you’ve trashed the GOP?
Your tactics smelled, Georgie,
You got shelled, Georgie,
Which just proves that things worked out the way they oughta be!
We hear the band playing
For your not-staying,
Start your new hotel-room life in ‘93,
OH! Hidy ho, Georgie,
Pack up the van and go, Georgie,
Clinton’s won a glor’ious victory!

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Not that today’s politics aren’t parody-worthy, but I haven’t gotten around to dealing with the current crop of candidates yet.  While I mull over the many possibilities, here’s one from years gone by.  And it was written well before the man in question really did get “voted out in two,” so chalk up a good prediction. 

Newt’s Mama Speaks Out

to the tune of “Officer Kruppke” (West Side Story)

Dear kindly Mrs. Gingrich,
You talked to Connie Chung,
She caught you whisper-ing “bitch”
So now your boy gets hung.
Your precious cherub darling
Now screams that he’s been had;
Golly whiskers, Newtie Poo was mad.
But dear Mrs. Gingrich,
It’s really OK,
We wouldn’t want you saying things that Newt wouldn’t say.
But don’t let him tell you you misunderstood,
Just let him take the heat but good.
Take the heat but good, ’cause he’s bad, not good,
So let him take the heat but good.

Dear Mrs. Maury Povich,
Beware a Newt surprise.
Don’t let him tell you “no bitch,”
‘Cause if he does, he lies.
You know he can’t deny it,
His mama told you true,
Holy smokers, what’s a Newt to do?
But dear Mrs. Povich,
You’ve got it on tape,
So never mind the sights and sounds of Newt going ape.
And don’t let him tell you you misunderstood,
Just let him take the heat but good.
Take the heat but good, he deserves it good,
So let him take the heat but good.

Dear kindly Mrs. Clinton,
The Newt called you a name,
And now the Newt is hintin’
That Connie gets the blame.
He says it’s off the record,
He says his mom was tricked,
Whoopee cushions, Newtie Poo is ticked!
But dear Mrs. Clinton, hang onto your poise,
The country will learn soon enough that Newt’s fulla noise.
His contract is bogus,
His head’s full of glue,
And he’ll be voted out in two.
He’ll be out in two, voted out in two,
So let him rave and rant and stew.  (Out in two!)

Dear kindly Mrs. Gingrich,
We’ve come to realize,
Let’s put it into English,
Your family takes the prize.
You beat the Corleones,
It’s very plain to see,
Ewwie, gooey, what a family!
So dear Mrs. Gingrich, get out while you can.
The country doesn’t need the Gingrich family plan.
Forgive us for hoping
You guys are all through….
Please join us in saying:  Newt Who!

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Years ago, I hung out online with a very creative group of people in CompuServe’s Science Fiction Forum. One of the things we loved doing was writing song parodies. I found that was something I enjoyed a lot and I think I was pretty good at it.

While I haven’t done it as much recently as in the past, it’s still something I enjoy. My most recent full-length parody was in honor of the show “Dirty Jobs.” I’m going to post a few of my efforts from years gone by, over the next few days. It’s taking me a while to dig up the archives, and some of the songs apparently either never got saved, or got saved somewehere I can’t find. Oh, to have Lotus Magellan back again!

But I’ll do my best. Hope my readers get at least a chuckle out of these.

The Unofficial Dirty Jobs Song

(to the tune of “I Will Survive”)

At first I was so clean, I was sanitized,
As dinner plates my floors were oh so very highly prized.
But then I spent so many nights watchin’ Mike Rowe on TV
I changed my mind, and I thought dirt’s the way to be.
But he’s not here, not at my door,
He’s chasing catfish round the pond and grabbing gators off the floor.
I should have cleaned up all that poo, I should have kissed that owl goodbye.
If Discovery’s not here soon the smell will make me puke and die.
Help me please, can’t find the door
Got piles of filthy turkey feathers sliding slowly to the floor.
Where can I go to learn to feel a cow’s behind?
It looked so easy, I’m sure the cow wouldn’t mind.
Oh someone please, please call DC,
I’d post a message on the board if I could only see.
I’ve got such a filthy place, don’t need egg upon my face,
Please call DC, please call DC, hey hey!

I bought all the Mr. Clean at the corner store,
I went through every single Swiffer and sent out for more.
And I used oh so many sponges cleaning up that pile of poo,
It made me heave, and now my landlord said to leave.
And here I am, out on the street,
I’m not that dirt-encrusted fan who thought that filth was neat.
And so my cell phone gave a ring and it was someone from DC,
Who said that Mike the Dirty Jobs guy would be coming after me.
Help me please, I’m on the floor.
There’s not a cow flop on my back bumper any more.
Where can I go to get my Dirty Jobs degree
Who do I thank, for pointing Mike Rowe to me?
Oh someone please, please call DC,
I’d post a message on the board if I could only see.
I had such a filthy place, now I’ve got egg upon my face,
Please call DC, please call DC…….

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Got some removable bumper sticker “paper” today so I can create a personalized Celtic knot sticker for my laptop.  If it works out well, I’ll post the instructions.

There’s supposed to be a fish-and-chips place in the arcade across from Vroman’s in Pasadena, that’s supposed to be very good.  We went in there today but couldn’t find it.  I wonder if it’s called something else, or if it’s not there any more?

Corollary:  Half a Tommy’s chili dog is definitely better than none.

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The cable internet connection is very, very flaky this afternoon.  Somehow, reminding myself “at least it’s not dialup” doesn’t make me any the less irritated thereby.  Probably because I pay the bills and I know how much the cable company is gouging us for every month.  At those prices, it oughta work.

I was wondering this afternoon what we’ll do when our trusty call-blocking Caller ID boxes finally give up the ghost.  Nobody makes Caller ID boxes like that any more, as far as I can tell.  I suppose the next best thing would be to get another Fry’s bargain-basement no-name Linux box and set it up as a call director, or add that into the one we already have, since it’s on all the time (although we’d definitely have to get a larger hard drive for it if so).  I’m sure there must be software out there that can answer the phone, tell the caller they’re not welcome, and hang up on them (besides being a straight-up answering machine).  We even have an extra external voice modem to contribute to the cause, although making it work under Linux might be problematical.

We used to have a great two-line answering machine that let us have several different customized outgoing messages, had three mailboxes (we only used one, but at least the other two were there), and read us caller’s phone numbers if they appeared on the Caller ID.  I think it was made by GE.  Alas, it gave up the ghost, and that was something else I couldn’t find again anywhere, not even on eBay.  Just try to find a two-line answering machine of any kind, as a matter of fact–I guess either having two phone lines is less popular than it once was, or having one machine answer both lines is out of favor, or something.  We had to replace that one machine with two separate machines that aren’t nearly as versatile as the one they replaced. At the time we bought the replacements we thought it didn’t matter about the machine on the second phone line; that machine could be as cheap as possible (and it is) because we never answered that phone.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion that that phone number is better to give out than my pager number (I think after this year’s subscription is done, I’m canceling the pager) so I’m back to the “could we use a cheap computer as a call director” consideration again.

We were late adopters of a lot of (nowadays) common-garden technology because we had to wait for the price to come down.  Poverty had its benefits, though, because by the time we’d saved up for gizmos like an answering machine and a VCR, we were able to buy a much better one for a much lower price than when we’d first decided we wanted it.  I’m still a firm believer in not buying version 1.0 of anything, even though we can afford it now.

I still haven’t worked on the put-the-flash-drive-into-the-Lego-brick project.  The little container of Legos and the flash drive have been sitting on my desk looking at me for quite some time now.  Of course, now that I have a PanaVise, that job will be a lot easier.  I just haven’t decided on the best way to install the PanaVise on my work table.  Or the best location for it, for that matter.  I also need to figure out how to install my bench pin, since the frame of the work table is way too thick for the clamp for that.  At least I know where I want to put it.

Corollary:  Everybody and their dog seems to have flash drives on sale for next to nothing these days.  I keep eyeing them in the ads.  But I’ve got three of the silly things already and not even the 256 meg one is half full.  I wish my old Toshiba had USB, because the combination of a small, light laptop and a USB drive to securely store my writing on would be a winner.  The HP is a glorious machine, and I’m forever grateful to Blink for giving it to me, but we both know, portable it ain’t.The cable internet connection is very, very flaky this afternoon.  Somehow, reminding myself “at least it’s not dialup” doesn’t make me any the less irritated thereby.  Probably because I pay the bills and I know how much the cable company is gouging us for every month.  At those prices, it oughta work.

I was wondering this afternoon what we’ll do when our trusty call-blocking Caller ID boxes finally give up the ghost.  Nobody makes Caller ID boxes like that any more, as far as I can tell.  I suppose the next best thing would be to get another Fry’s bargain-basement no-name Linux box and set it up as a call director, or add that into the one we already have, since it’s on all the time (although we’d definitely have to get a larger hard drive for it if so).  I’m sure there must be software out there that can answer the phone, tell the caller they’re not welcome, and hang up on them (besides being a straight-up answering machine).  We even have an extra external voice modem to contribute to the cause, although making it work under Linux might be problematical.

We used to have a great two-line answering machine that let us have several different customized outgoing messages, had three mailboxes (we only used one, but at least the other two were there), and read us caller’s phone numbers if they appeared on the Caller ID.  I think it was made by GE.  Alas, it gave up the ghost, and that was something else I couldn’t find again anywhere, not even on eBay.  Just try to find a two-line answering machine of any kind, as a matter of fact–I guess either having two phone lines is less popular than it once was, or having one machine answer both lines is out of favor, or something.  We had to replace that one machine with two separate machines that aren’t nearly as versatile as the one they replaced. At the time we bought the replacements we thought it didn’t matter about the machine on the second phone line; that machine could be as cheap as possible (and it is) because we never answered that phone.  However, I’ve come to the conclusion that that phone number is better to give out than my pager number (I think after this year’s subscription is done, I’m canceling the pager) so I’m back to the “could we use a cheap computer as a call director” consideration again.

We were late adopters of a lot of (nowadays) common-garden technology because we had to wait for the price to come down.  Poverty had its benefits, though, because by the time we’d saved up for gizmos like an answering machine and a VCR, we were able to buy a much better one for a much lower price than when we’d first decided we wanted it.  I’m still a firm believer in not buying version 1.0 of anything, even though we can afford it now.

I still haven’t worked on the put-the-flash-drive-into-the-Lego-brick project.  The little container of Legos and the flash drive have been sitting on my desk looking at me for quite some time now.  Of course, now that I have a PanaVise, that job will be a lot easier.  I just haven’t decided on the best way to install the PanaVise on my work table.  Or the best location for it, for that matter.  I also need to figure out how to install my bench pin, since the frame of the work table is way too thick for the clamp for that.  At least I know where I want to put it.

Corollary:  Everybody and their dog seems to have flash drives on sale for next to nothing these days.  I keep eyeing them in the ads.  But I’ve got three of the silly things already and not even the 256 meg one is half full.  I wish my old Toshiba had USB, because the combination of a small, light laptop and a USB drive to securely store my writing on would be a winner.  The HP is a glorious machine, and I’m forever grateful to Blink for giving it to me, but we both know, portable it ain’t.

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Haven’t posted for a while, I know.  I was hoping to come up with some kind of really new and interesting content, but life has been pretty much same-old-same-old for a while.

Although there have been some notable highlights.  F’zer and I celebrated our 34th anniversary.  We’re now ahead of my parents by a full seven years.  I’m doing well in my classes, I think, although neither subject is exactly a snap to master.  I’m on good terms with the teachers already, at least.

The weather is finally beginning to cool off, so I’m thinking seriously about starting to walk home from school.  It will be a pleasant route and good exercise.  I have a great backpack from the Duluth Trading Company and can carry all my assorted junk comfortably.  I also have a good sun hat, from the same place.  Don’t know yet whether I should invest in a folding cane.  I will have to try the walk at least once to see how it goes.  I will definitely order it from the Fashionable Canes web site if it turns out to be necessary.

Some ongoing irritants:  Man, am I tired of political ads, and it’s not even October yet, much less November.   I’m also getting tired of cleaning up cat urp, which is just about as noxious as the average politician’s blithering.

I wonder if the “el Niño” plus all the volcanic eruptions will give us a soggy winter this year?  I happen to like rain, but that’s because I grew up where there was rain.  I wouldn’t even mind walking home in it.

Got the video editing software installed and the manual printed out.  So many projects, so little time.  Also need to keep working on my writing, my web pages and my other blogs.  Is there enough time in any given day for all that?

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I put some Google ads on my two other web sites, but haven’t taken the plunge on this one yet.  I guess I should probably work out the design so the ads will fit and not look too garish.  I finally printed out the manual for NetObjects Fusion 9 and will have to sit down and read through it to see what I can do with it that I couldn’t with the previous version, which is what I used to construct my sites.

I’m not the kind of mom who whines that she works her fingers to the bone for her kids, but I did sweat clean through my shirt while cleaning up my daughter’s no-longer-occupied room today.  Twice.

Speaking of which, I think said daughter must have gone to the Imelda Marcos School of Bag and Shoe Acquisition.  Good lord.  She can’t be my kid.  I just wear the same old pair of Tevas till they fall apart and then I buy a new pair!

I got my registration materials today for my return to school.  OK, it’s the community college and it’s just one class, but I feel pretty good about it.  Now I just have to hope the class is still open when comes my appointed time to sign up.   I’m looking forward to this!

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Yesterday, like it or not, I became an old lady who walks with a cane.

I wanted a lightweight hiking staff rather than a House-style cane (which is what my kids wanted me to get–a “House denial cane” as my daughter called it).  The Walking Company store in the Galleria used to have a good selection of those and of standard wooden staffs, but when we checked it out yesterday their selection was down to pretty much nothing.

So we ended up at the REI store in Northridge, where we haven’t set foot for at least ten years because there is really no convenient way to get there from here.  And they had a rack full of hiking staffs, but most of them came in pairs at circa $100 the pair, which was not what I was looking for, in more ways than one!

Still, after a bit of looking and help from the employees, I found a single, lightweight, adjustable hiking staff that was comfortable and well within my price range.  And it was on sale, too.

Alas, however, that one turned out to be broken and it was the last one in the store.  So I chose one from the next category on the price range, which turned out to be almost identical to the one I wanted except for the price.  It was a bit more than I really wanted to pay, but after mulling it over I decided to go ahead and get it.

And it turned out to be worth it.  Once I got the hang of walking with it and the right rhythm, it worked wonderfully well.  We did a LOT of walking the rest of the day (Ikea store, mall, street, restaurant, more street, parking garage, etc) and after all that on an ordinary day my hip would have been bothering me big time.

But it wasn’t.  And it still isn’t, today.  Maybe I won’t have to be Hopalong Grandma for too much longer.

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