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As I walked across the incredibly littered campus today, it occurred to me that what the world needs is a deposit on cigarettes.

Charge a deposit of a quarter per cigarette (or the worldwide equivalent).  If you want to avoid paying the deposit, you have to bring in 20 butts per pack.  Whoever collects the taxes on cigarettes would provide retailers with appropriate containers and empty them out periodically.

Just think how fast the ground would be de-littered if the butts were actually worth something.

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An end to the butts

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In the aftermath of the election, I have seen people who normally are even-tempered and courteous writing messages that ought to be labeled with a skull and crossbones or a Mr. Yuk symbol.  These folks are livid that Obama won the election and they are predicting dire consequences for pretty much the entire universe.

Where on earth do they get this sour point of view?  Judging by what I’ve seen, Fox News is a primary culprit, but there are other “conservative” news sources contributing to the flow of bile as well.  When Chris Wallace appeared on the Daily Show the other night, they played some clips of his Fox News colleages snickering about Obama’s aunt, the alleged illegal immigrant, and cattily wondering if she’s registered to vote.  Chris Wallace had the good grace to look embarrassed.

Many of these same people greeted Dubya as a newfound saviour and gloated that their guy won, and told those of us who predicted he’d be a disaster to suck it up and get with the program.  Now that the predictions have come true, they’re telling us Obama will be worse.  Buh?

Oh, if Molly Ivins were only still with us.  She’d set them straight in short order.

Last year, I wrote a series of posts titled “Ten ways to take a stand against ignorance.”  There is a prologue of sorts here, and the main series starts here. One of the things I suggested was that we learn something new every day. In today’s Productivity 501 blog, one that I read every day precisely because it’s a good way to learn new things, author Mark Shead says much the same thing: Stretch yourself.

We now have an opportunity to make progress and rectify some of the wrongs of the past.  It won’t happen overnight, but if we-the-people pull together, we can prove to the naysayers that it’s long past time they pulled the plug on Fox News.

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A time to grow

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Last year sometime I idly put one of my maternal great-great-grandfathers’ names into a Google search, just to see what turned up. What turned up was Barack Obama’s family tree.

No, we don’t share a relative that close.  I did some figuring, though, and as it turns out, Barack Obama’s mother and I are tenth cousins, whch means my kids are Obama’s 11th cousins.  That’s good enough for me!  We are all descendants of Nathaniel FitzRandolph, who lived in the mid 17th century.

My branch of the FitzRandolph family scooted across the border from New Jersey to New Brunswick come the Revolution, and left behind lands on which Princeton University (and the FitzRandolph Gate) sit today.  They were Canadian forever more, or at least until my grandmother re-crossed the border during WWII and became an American citizen, when my mother was 16.

My mother was delighted to hear about this relationship and I know she would have voted enthusiastically for Cousin Barack had she lived.  My mother took great delight in politics and in activism and she was, for the most part, a progressive.   She would have loathed Sarah Palin, you betcha.

I expect my grandmother would have felt the same way.  I bet she’s already bustled up to Obama’s grandmother and welcomed her long-lost cousin to a happy afterlife.

My dad’s parents had many good and admirable qualities, but they were Republicans to the core and racists to boot.  The thought of them spinning in their graves right now makes me happy.

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My cousin the President

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Apologies to Twitter, RSS and email subscribers, my post last night came through either horribly mangled or blank. It’s a video of my “GOP Blues” song parody and it plays just fine on the site.

As a first-time video creator (and poster) I obviously have a lot to learn!

Give it a look, if you like, and let me know what you think.

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The apparently blank message

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GOP Blues

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Today marks the 39th anniversary of my husband’s and my first date and I could think of no better way to celebrate it than to say we need to stand up to the bigotry of religious groups who wouldn’t know Jesus if he came back tomorrow and kicked them in the butt.

Which, come to think of it, he really needs to do.

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Stop the hate. No on 8.

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I have come to the conclusion that I’m too old and cranky to appreciate situation comedies any more.  Or maybe I’m just, in the immortal words of the Muppet Show, too hip for the room.

Or maybe not.  Does anyone find any of the current crop of half-hour sitcoms genuinely funny?  If you turn off the sound and watch the closed-captions, are there really any jokes there at all?  I don’t think so, but then again I can’t stand to be in the room long enough to finish a show these days, much less pay attention to what’s supposedly entertaining us on the screen.

The thing is, a lot of sitcoms used to be funny and witty and well written.  Oh sure, every era had its share of stinkers, but just put any of the classic Norman Lear shows–All in the Family, Maude, The Jeffersons, Good Times before it got blown to bits by “DynOMite”–up against what passes for comedy these days and you’ll see.  One “Hello? … that’s MRS. Findlay!” out of Bea Arthur beats any number of wise-ass kids (JJ’s dyn-o-mite descendants, alas) any day of the week.

And, of course, the classic sitcoms had to be written so adults would get all the risque double-entendres and situations, while kids would not.  No bad language.  No rude gestures.  It took a higher level of writing talent to get that accomplished.  Nowadays they just drop a few language bombs and have done with it.

Oh, the joys of days gone by.  I Love Lucy was well into reruns by the time my parents got a TV, so maybe it was just entertaining to kids my age, but I don’t think so.  It wouldn’t still be running otherwise.  The Sixties had I’m Dickens, He’s Fenster (could there be any better pairing than John Astin and Marty Ingels?), The Addams Family, The Munsters, and Norman Lear’s finest.

Then came Cheers, Night Court, and Taxi.  Family Ties. Square Pegs.  The Mary Tyler Moore Show and Rhoda.  M*A*S*H, The Bob Newhart Show and Alice.  The Cosby Show and the all-too brief Police Squad.

Now what do we have?  I dunno.   I haven’t cared enough to watch.

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Sitcoms

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To the tune of “Second Hand Rose”

Once there was a party that was old and grand,
Voter registrations were in high demand,
Even though their platform came from Calvin C.
Forcing back the clock to how things used to be.
No one asking why the status quo,
Or why they never let an old gripe go.

They’re pushing yesterday’s views,
Yesterday’s news,
That’s why they’re singing GOP blues.
Women in the modern world are scary,
These guys barely trust the Virgin Mary!
Trickle-down dreams,
They’re losing their pensions, it seems,
But voting like they’ll still be rich some day.
Even Joe the Plumber, he’s the guy John adores,
He couldn’t seem to pay his income taxes before.
Ain’t it a shame, but it’s just more of the same
On re-run avenue.

They’re still second place,
Yesterday’s race,
Praying Obama will fall on his face.
Sarah’s out there dancing with a shotgun,
Posing as a reader when she’s not one.
GOP blues,
They’re focused on yesterday’s news,
They’ve been that way since 1932.
Even Colin Powell, he’s the guy Bush adored,
Had the nerve to shove their guy McCain out the door.
Now everyone knows the GOP blows
On re-run avenue!!

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GOP blues

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I haven’t written a political song parody in a long time. Probably because today’s politicians are parodies themselves,  right from the get-go.  This afternoon I was organizing my archives and came across these two from the 1992 election.  I know there’s one about Clinton somewhere too, to the tune of “Bye Bye Blackbird,” but I haven’t located that one yet. I’ll save it for a future post.

Perot-noia (to the tune of “Yellow Rose of Texas”)

There’s a little guy from Texas
Who’s talking on TV;
An oversized chihuhahua
Is what he seems to be.
He said he drew those pictures
And numbers on the chart,
So good ole boys and rednecks
Will think Perot looks smart.

He produced this infomercial
That we have come to see;
He’s got five billion dollars
So he’s just like you and me.
Watch him flourish with the pointer;
He hopes with all his heart
That the guys who build the rockets
Will think Ross Perot looks smart.

He’s bought all these half-an-hours
Of time on NBC,
So we can’t watch Fred and Wilma,
Who’s the Boss or Mr. T.
So we’ve found this revelation
And we’ve taken it to heart:
We know compared to Gilligan
Ole Ross Perot looks smart.

An Ash-Can Farewell (starring GHW Bush, to the tune of “Hello, Dolly”)

Goodbye, Georgie, yes goodbye, Georgie,
It’s such fun to see you bumble on TV.
You look like hell, Georgie,
We can tell, Georgie,
That back home in Kennebunkport’s where you’re gonna be.
We see the swell growing
For your out-going;
Pack your bags and pick up Millie at the door,
OH! Golly gee, Georgie,
Put on your sneaks and flee, Georgie,
You can’t get elected any more!

So say goodbye, Georgie, yes goodbye, Georgie!
Are you sorry now you’ve trashed the GOP?
Your tactics smelled, Georgie,
You got shelled, Georgie,
Which just proves that things worked out the way they oughta be!
We hear the band playing
For your not-staying,
Start your new hotel-room life in ‘93,
OH! Hidy ho, Georgie,
Pack up the van and go, Georgie,
Clinton’s won a glor’ious victory!

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Political singalongs

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Today’s Los Angeles Daily News had an opinion piece in what remains of their editorial pages, headlined “Propositions boost odds for bottom of GOP ticket” and subtitled “In California, the defense of marriage ban could prove very useful to the Republican minority.”  (They don’t really mean “defense of marriage ban,” they mean either “defense of marriage” or “gay marriage ban,” but that’s a separate issue.)

The gist of the article is that in California, many Republicans feel that they’re not going to be able to carry the state for McCain, so “state political leaders” are trying to pump up the conservative voter turnout by using ballot propositions instead.

In this election, the hot-button propositions for energizing discouraged conservatives are #4 and #8.  Proposition 4 is yet another attempt to force young girls to get parental (or judicial) permission before getting an abortion, and Proposition 8 is aimed at amending the state constitution to overturn the recent legalization of same-sex marriage.

Similar abortion propositions have failed multiple times in the past.  The anti-gay-marriage proposition has already spawned extremely toxic TV ads playing to the worst fears of the religious right.  I favor no political party (a pox on all their houses) but it seems to me that any intelligent conservative voter by rights should be insulted by this strategy, which appears to portray them as terrified troglodytes.

Conservatives, at least on paper, are in favor of less government intrusion.  They are for free enterprise and free markets and free will.  And yet what their “leaders” are cynically trying to do is use the power of the government to force back the tide of human progress.  Are conservatives so incredibly fearful of the reality of the 21st century?  It certainly appears that a lot of them are.  They want children to be the sole property of their parents (regardless of how abusive those parents might be) and they want to write their religion into law despite the First Amendment’s explicit prohibition against doing so.

I hope this strategy backfires as loudly as it deserves to, by energizing the people who oppose these measures to turn out in record numbers.  The constant fearmongering and attempts to shout back the tide of human progress have to be answered by the voice of We The People.  The reactionaries won’t give up easily, but the more often their proposals are voted down, the more likely they’ll get the message.

Over a century ago (how appropriate) Elizabeth Allen wrote a poem that seems to personify the GOP strategy of today.  “Backward, turn backward, Oh time, in your flight, Make me a child again, just for to-night!”  (You can read the entire poem here.)  Let’s hope that plenty of California voters make it clear that the past is not such a lovely place that we need to return to it.

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Not back to the future

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