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Jerry Falwell and the Holy Ghost | Letters From Home Jerry Falwell and the Holy Ghost | Letters From Home

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Jerry Falwell and the Holy Ghost


Jerry Falwell is sitting on a very small cloud off the beaten path, getting more and more fidgety and irritable. He’s been sitting there for what seems like forever, in human perspective, and he’s not used to seeing things any other way, just yet.

Finally, he’s approached by a dark-haired, bearded, dark-skinned guy in a scruffy-looking, stained, somewhat smelly tan robe. “Jerry? I’m Y’shu. What seems to be the problem?”

“I’ve been waiting to get into Heaven, and all I’ve been getting is the runaraound here. They told me to sit over here. What seems to be the problem, indeed!”

“I see. And why did you expect to get into Heaven?”

“Are you serious? I’ve spent most of a lifetime doing the Lord’s work!”

“Ah. And which Lord would that be, exactly?”

“Which… look, can I talk to someone who knows what’s going on, please? I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m sure someone who knows me will understand the issue here a lot better.”

“Really? What makes you so sure I don’t know who you are? Aren’t you the guy who said that Americans brought the 9/11 attacks on themselves?”

“Well, yes, I did say that. But look at the big picture. I was upset. I’m sure God forgave me.”

“Ah yes, the same God who said that it wasn’t what went into a man’s mouth that defiled him, but what came out of it. I see. And what about the things you said about homosexuals?”

“Now look, I know I’m on firm Biblical grounds with that, and I’m sure you do too.”

“Really? You know, I’ve been watching you humans for a long time and I know you’ve written down a lot of stuff about God in the Bible that isn’t quite accurate, but–you do say you’re a Christian, right? A follower of the teachings of Jesus the Christ?”

“Of course! I’ve spent most of my life… look, can I talk to someone who knows who I am? Please?”

“I guess I just missed the part where the Bible said Jesus the Christ said anything about homosexuals, that’s all.”

“You must not know your Bible very well, then. I’m an authority on it and I assure you, God really has it in for those guys. I mean, I don’t agree with everything Fred Phelps does, but you have to admit that he’s fundamentally correct.”

The scruffy, dark-haired man rubs his beard and blinks. “That’s really what you believe, then. I’ll make a note of that. Now, what about all these things you said about people who aren’t Christians?”

“I’ve always believed that the only way to Salvation was through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.”

“Do you think those personal relationships are a two-way street, by any chance? That is, do you think Jesus the Christ has an equal connection to the people?”

Falwell is shocked. “Of course He does! He must!”

“Mmm-hmm. And what about the things you said about women? All that stuff about the Equal Rights Amendment, for example.”

“Oh, come on now. It’s right there in the Bible! Paul explains it quite clearly–the proper place of women, and too darn many women today haven’t read their Bibles and don’t know their place.”

“Paul. Ah. The guy who based all his teachings on some kind of revelation he had in the hot sun. So you’re a disciple of the Apostle to the Gentiles, then?”

“Uh… yes, I guess you could put it that way.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Jesus the Christ clearly condemn people who teach as doctrine the precepts of men?”

“Not in my Bible, He didn’t.”

“Your Bible? Which one is that?”

Falwell is amazed. “Why, the King James Version, of course.”

“That explains a lot. Now, what’s this business about you and your flock living high off the hog and expecting people to give you money? Where in the Bible did Jesus the Christ say anything about expecting a handout from the people he preached to?”

Falwell sputters. “He sent his disciples out into the world with nothing but the clothes on their backs. How could they spread the message if they didn’t have any income coming in? They had to expect support. We’re just going out in the world like the disciples did and expecting support from the people who hear our message of salvation.”

“Interesting concept of support. And of salvation, for that matter. Now, I also see that you’ve always taken full advantage of everything the 20th and 21st century had to offer in the way of modern technology, medical care, and so forth, but you expected people to live by a code of ethics that was formulated back in the days when a chariot was high tech and a lot of people earned their living herding sheep.”

“Of course! There are some things that never, ever, change!”

“You certainly got that right.”

“Look, I didn’t expect to come here and haggle over trivia. I died this morning and I should be in Heaven now, not sitting on a cloud somewhere. I mean no disrespect, Y’shu, but I need to talk with Jesus. I’m sure He’ll recognize me right away and we can join each other in Paradise. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Really?” says the dark-haired man. “And just whom did you think you’ve been talking with, all this time?”

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Author: infmom

Otherwise known as Infamous Mom.

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