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Vintage Star Trek funnies Vintage Star Trek funnies

Letters From Home

Life looks at infmom / infmom looks at life

A New Year’s Eve laugh


I was doing some file cleaning and came across this, which was written in 1994.  My, how time flies.  Or is it “The more things change, the more they stay the same” ?


100.  Picard can say more than two words without gasping for air.
99.  Picard is thin enough to wear a jumpsuit with panache.
98.  Picard doesn’t need to hop in the sack to prove his masculinity.
97.  Hair doesn’t mean diddley if the personality is all air.
96.  Picard’s picture is beside the word confidence in the dictionary.
95.  Two words– Sexy Smile.
94.  If Kirk had been killed in the first episode, the show would have been reduced to 30 minutes of good acting.
93.  Picard has morals.
92.  Picard is a class act.
91.  Picard is a man of reason, who is not afraid to show his strength when necessary, but only when necessary.
90.  Picard has learned patience.  Kirk couldn’t learn the alphabet.
89.  Picard is self-confident.
88.  Picard would rather sing to children to comfort them than kill them.
87.  Picard is sexier with his shirt unbuttoned to his waist than Kirk is completely naked.
86.  Kirk didn’t have the brains to read a book or appreciate fictional characters like Dixon Hill.
85.  Kirk never straightened his shirt because he was a slob.
84.  Kirk only thought he beat a Vulcan at chess; Picard did.
83.  Picard listens to his first officer, considers the information, then makes an appropriate decision.
82.  Picard is rational.
81.  Picard admits he’s made mistakes.  It takes a real man to admit their errors.
80.  Q would have killed Kirk mistaking him for his twin brother.
79.  Picard knows how to spell his middle name.
78.  Kirk wouldn’t have known what archeology was if it bit him on the ass
77.  Picard doesn’t believe himself to be omniperfect.
76.  Picard doesn’t stare at himself for hours in the mirror.
75.  Picard can tell the difference between a real woman and a mirage.
74.  Picard wears a more natural, less cakey makeup.
73.  Picard drinks ale, yet where is his “beer belly?”
72.  Kirk was merely a first draft. Picard is the refined, edited version.
71.  Picard has taste.
70.  Picard is a man of culture.
69.  If a group of 10 sex starved women were being rescued by the captain of the Enterprise; if it were Kirk, they’d run away screaming, “We’ll wait for the next ship!”
68.  If it were Picard, Kirk’s favorite fantasy would come true.
67.  Picard can do much better than Joan Collins.
66.  Picard likes painting nudes, which allows him plenty of time to properly court the model.
65.  Picard can speak intelligently with his officers about anything on the Enterprise.
64.  Kirk never knew Scotty lied to him about the status of the engines because he didn’t understand the Enterprise didn’t use gas.
63.  Picard can walk the walk.
62.  Picard can talk the talk.
61.  Kirk can do neither without seeming like an ape.
60.  Beverly Crusher would have zapped Kirk had he made a move on her.
59.  Wesley Crusher would have been running the Enterprise had Kirk been his captain, and Kirk would never have known.
58.  Kirk could never have handled a first officer like Riker.  Riker would have grown impatient with his halting, gasping sentences and thrown him out the cargo bay.
57.  Kirk is rude.
56.  Kirk would never have allowed an episode involving a dream sequence in which Deanna and Worf become lovers.  It would have taken away too much attention from him.
55.  Picard has lasted more seasons as the Captain of the Enterprise for a reason.
54.  Picard doesn’t need to wear a wig to feel like a man.
53.  Kirk wouldn’t wear a kilt because people would have laughed at his legs and he would have had to kill the entire crew.
52.  If Kirk had met the Borg, they wouldn’t have assimilated him.  They would have discarded him as space debris.
51.  The Borg only assimilate intelligent life.
50.  Picard has the balls to stand among hundreds of Klingons and argue with them.
49.  Picard doesn’t have to worry that Deanna can read his thoughts.
48.  If Deanna read Kirk’s thoughts, she would find he never had an original thought.
47.  Picard isn’t into swashbuckling, but if he were… <sigh>
46.  Kirk thinks himself a futuristic swashbuckler, but is more suited to prehistoric man.
45.  Picard would have been a better foil for Spock.
44.  Keyword: Intelligence.
43.  Picard cares if the crew lives or dies.
42.  Kirk only worries about his own butt.
41.  When Picard doesn’t trust the Romulans, he forms an intricate plan to discover what they are really up to.
40.  Two words: Line delivery.
39.  Picard hasn’t contributed to the population explosion.
38.  Picard could have Beverly if he crooked his little finger.  Kirk wouldn’t have a chance.
37.  Picard had the sense to get rid of the ugly doctor and get Beverly back.
36.  Kirk’s doctor was a guy.
35.  Kirk’s doctor was named Bones.
34.  Picard has a multi-ethnic ship.
33.  Starfleet knew Kirk couldn’t handle other species that might make him feel inferior.
32.  Kirk’s girlfriends looked best in complete darkness.
31.  Picard has tossed away beautiful women because they were airheads.
30.  Picard is curious.
29.  Picard collects antiques– such as books.
28.  Picard’s ships logs contain more syllables per word than Kirk’s.
27.  Kirk has a short forehead.
26.  Kirk has a short neck.
25.  Kirk left the Enterprise to become a police captain.
24.  Picard is still on the Enterprise.
23.  Kirk has not aged well.
22.  Picard has aged beautifully.
21.  Picard looks fantastic in spandex.
20.  Picard can speak in several languages– and he knows more than just the swear words for each one.
19.  The creator’s wife doesn’t follow Kirk around making cow eyes at him!
18.  Kirk couldn’t go anywhere alone.  He was a scaredy cat.
17.  If there were ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would be dead.
16.  Do women swoon when they hear “Beam me up, Scotty?” No?  How about “Make it so?” See the difference?
15.  A bartender would not have bothered wasting time talking to Kirk.
14.  Ted Turner will never have to start a controversy over the  colorization of Picard.
13.  Kirk never said “Abandon ship!  All hands abandon ship!” because he was already out of there at the first hint of trouble.
12.  Kirk was scared of a little tribble.
11.  A holodeck would have been a waste to Kirk.
10.  Picard can be in the same room for 5 minutes with a woman without groping her.
9.  Picard doesn’t use cologne to mask his natural scent.
8.  Picard can pilot the Enterprise though a mine field.
7.  Picard has sex more than once a season but doesn’t feel the need for us to know of every conquest.
6.  Picard drinks Earl Grey tea.
5.  Picard can actually speak to an android of high intelligence and be  understood.
4.  Picard isn’t picky about who sits in his chair on the bridge.
3.  Kirk had low performance technology because he couldn’t handle high performance technology.
2.  One word:  Velour.
1.  Last word– Picard is so far superior to Kirk, this whole list is a waste of time.


100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.
99. Kirk never really got into that kinky “Jumpsuit” look.
98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.
97. One Word: Hair
96. Another Word: Pretty-good-looking-can’t-see-the-weave-WIG.
95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.
94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.
93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher – and damn the consequences!!
92. Kirk never drinks tea.  Ever
91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.
90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.
89. Two words:  Shoulder Roll
88. Kirk doesn’t wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.
87. Kirk once said: “I’ve got a belly-ache – and it’s a beauty.”
86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.
85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.
84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth’s whale population.
83. Kirk says, “Prime Directive?  What Prime Directive?”
82. Kirk knows 20th Century curses.
81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.
80. Kirk ate little coloured cubes and still remained relatively healthy.
79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.
78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.
77. Kirk wasn’t shy about taking his shirt off; even around those pesky Yeoman.
76. Kirk would never waste a holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.
75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.
74. One Word: Velour.
73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at Chess.
72. When Kirk was Picard’s age, he retired from Admiral and took to climbing rocks.
71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly Stargazer.  When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.
70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor every now and again.
69. One Word: Iman
68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.
67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and s**t down its neck.
66. Kirk says, “Shoot first and wait for retaliation.”
65. Kirk’s first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.
64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.
63. Kirk doesn’t rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.
62. Two Words:  Funky Sideburns
61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.
60. Kirk never once said, “Abandon ship!  All hands abandon ship!”
59. Kirk is not politically correct.
58. Kirk never got “dumped” by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter of the alphabet.
57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.
56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk’s bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.
55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called “Make it so?”  No?  How about a “Beam me up Scotty” then?  See the difference?
54. One Word: Miniskirts
53. Kirk’s girlfriends always look good in soft light.
52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.
51. Kirk’s first officer didn’t play some wimpy instrument like the  trombone.
50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.
49. The extent of Kirk’s knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as “GO F*** YOURSELF.”
48. If something doesn’t speak English – it’s toast.
47. Kirk wasn’t some prissy archaeology fan.
46. Picard’s middle name isn’t tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.
45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.
44. Picard never met Joan Collins.
43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.
42  Picard hasn’t fathered any children; Kirk – probably millions.
41. Kirk has a cool phaser – not some pansy Braun mix-master.
40. Two Words: Line Delivery
39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.
38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.
37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies.  (Need we say more?)
36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.
35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.
34. Kirk once fought a Greek god.  And won.
33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he only asks Spock.
32. Kirk doesn’t let the doctor tell him what to do.
31. One Word: Fisticuffs
30. Kirk’s name is hated throughout the galaxy.
29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn’t let it show.
28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.
27. Kirk’s eulogies can actually make you cry.
26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.
25. Kirk’s son would never drop out to become a musician.
24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.
23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.
22. The Klingons didn’t have a word for surrender – until they met Kirk.
21. Kirk’s bridge is not beige.
20. Two Words: Crane Shots
19. Picard likes wimpy violin music — and coerces Data into playing it.
18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.
17. Kirk is a cultural icon – Picard is just some guy who’s really nice.
16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.
15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.
14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses – and nobody dares to call him “four eyes.”
13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon; easily.
12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art’s sake.
11. When Kirk doesn’t trust the Romulans, he fires at them.  When Picard doesn’t trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.
10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.
9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.
8. Kirk doesn’t test the engines — he just fires them up.
7. When Kirk says, “Boldly Go,” he MEANS it.
6. Three Words:  Flying Leg Kick
5. Picard’s crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.
4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn’t even impressed.
3. Kirk’s bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.
2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.
1. One Word: Gonads!

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Author: infmom

Otherwise known as Infamous Mom.

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